Raise a More Confident Child

By Elizabeth McBride
Read Time: 8 Minutes

What is confidence and why is it important?

We want our kids to do better, go further, and achieve more than we have. We want them to believe in themselves and that they're worthy of the things they want out of life. The good news is that self-confidence and self-esteem are things kids can practice and build on, with your help and guidance. Self-confidence and self-esteem are often confused as being the same thing. They are similar in that they both have to do with how you feel about yourself.

Self-esteem is a measure of how you feel about yourself in general. Self-confidence comes from feeling confident in your abilities, that you are capable. Self-esteem and self-confidence are not about thinking you're better than others, but they describe a sense of security in who you are, that you have self-worth, and that you're able to handle anxious thoughts or challenges as they arise.

Confident children:

• Feel secure (as opposed to insecure).
• Know they have the ability to handle challenges.
• Feel prepared to tackle things like tests, performances, and competitions.
• Are focused on what they can do rather than what they can't.

Confident kids are willing to try new things, are open to new experiences and people, and keep trying when they face setbacks. Building confidence is important because it helps children reach their full potential.

Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist and parenting expert, says children who lack confidence may feel anxiety about failing or disappointing others, which leads them to give up easily and avoid trying new things or challenging themselves. According to Pickhardt, discouragement and fear are two emotions that can keep kids from being confident.

As a parent, you can give your child the support, love, and guidance she needs to grow into a confident adult. In fact, from the very beginning you're helping your child build confidence when you pick her up when she cries and cheer for her when she takes her first steps.

The following tips will help you rear a confident child. Tips by age are detailed later in the article.

Tips for Raising a Confident Child

It's never too early or too late to build confidence: tips for building confidence at any age.

Babies

• Create a predictable routine. Knowing when to expect a bath, a bottle, or playtime gives babies comfort and a sense of security.
• Respond to your baby's needs. Picking your baby up when she cries and soothing her when she falls shows her she's important to you and that she can rely on you. This not only makes her feel secure, which builds her self-esteem, but it establishes a trusting relationship.
• Provide appropriate challenges. Offer developmentally appropriate toys that are fun challenges for your baby and give her a sense of accomplishment.
• Encourage them to keep going. When your baby struggles to reach for a toy and expresses frustration, resist the urge to grab the toy for her, and encourage her to keep trying. As your baby grows, she'll be trying lots of new skills. Knowing you're there to cheer her on will give her the confidence to keep trying new things.

Toddlers and Preschoolers

• Let them do things independently. As your baby grows into a toddler, she will naturally start to realize she is a separate person from you and able to do things on her own. Nurture her desire to do things for herself, even when it slows you down or frustrates her. Working through these challenges will help her build confidence in her ability to succeed.
• Don't rescue. When your toddler or preschooler expresses frustration over not being able to do something, don't do it for her. Help her problem-solve instead.
• Let them answer for themselves. When someone asks your child a question, give her the chance to respond. Your child may feel shy and not want to speak. If that's the case, don't force her to answer. But giving her the opportunity to respond will show her that people value her opinion.
• Give meaningful praise. Praise is great, but "good job" becomes meaningless if your toddler hears it constantly. Be specific with your praise. Instead of "good job," you could say, "You worked hard to finish that puzzle by yourself!" or "Look how you climbed all the way to the top of the jungle gym! You did it!" Emphasize the accomplishments you want to celebrate with your child. Letting her know you see the hard work she is doing will build her confidence and encourage her to keep trying.
• Encourage healthy risk-taking. It can be scary to watch your toddler explore new things like tall playscapes, but a little (safe) risk-taking will help her learn from mistakes and allows her to feel a sense of accomplishment when she succeeds.

Grade-schoolers

• Spend one-on-one time with your child. At least once a week try to plan an activity where you can give your child your full attention. This is an important way to build trust and grow closer. Your child needs to know you have her back in order to try new things with confidence.
• When appropriate, give your child choices. Being able to choose is empowering. Give your child the option to choose things such as what she has for breakfast and what she wears to school. Try giving her only options that you are okay with. "Do you want eggs or yogurt for breakfast?"
• Don't do everything for your child. The more challenges your child works through on her own the more confident she'll feel the next time she needs to solve a problem.
• Make sure your child knows it's okay to make a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Pointing out mistakes you make and how you handle them will help teach your child that mistakes happen to everyone, but how you handle them is what's important. When your child makes a mistake, talk about what she learned and what she could do next.
• Give them age-appropriate chores. Giving your child responsibility shows you think she is capable, which is a big part of building confidence.
• Don't label or compare your child to another child. While it's tempting to identify kids by personality traits, "He's my dreamer and she's my engineer," kids may perceive these labels and comparisons as a limitation on what they should try and what they're good at. Your child is still developing. Let her discover what she loves and wants to pursue.
• Give authentic praise. Praise your child for her hard work and accomplishments¾but make it sincere. Kids see right through statements like "You're the best soccer player in the world!" This kind of over-the-top, general praise doesn't build their confidence. Instead be specific and authentic with your praise. "That was awesome when you blocked that goal!"

Adolescents

• Cut them some slack. Early adolescence is a time of rapid growth and change for kids. They are adjusting to a lot and may feel inadequate and awkward at times, which could cause their confidence to take a hit. This is a normal part of adolescence. Keep encouraging your adolescent and be supportive.  
• Set them up for success. Build on what your child is already good at. Building confidence comes from experiencing success in overcoming challenges. Suggest activities that will be a challenge but will also make your child feel successful. Don't force your adolescent to do a sport or class she does not want to do. Play to her strengths.
• Let them know you are on their side. Listen when your child wants to talk. Be open to her ideas and opinions.
• Be a safe place for them to vent. Adolescence can be a time of emotional ups and downs. Be a calm, steady presence for your teen to turn to in times of trouble.
• Point out the positive. As your child nears adulthood, the stakes are higher. These are the times when parents tend to criticize more and praise less. Notice when your teen does something well and let her know. Sincere praise from a parent is a big confidence booster.